The permanent ending of a business or activity, a sense of finality: the sense of finality and coming to terms with an experience, felt or experienced over time, an act or process of closing something, e.g. closing an opening or terminating an activity
I got the idea for this article while watching season three of Gossip girl, the episode where Chuck Bass is talking to Nate Archibald about Blair Waldorf. Nate tells Chuck to give up the little charade that Chuck and Blair have, he tells him to attain closure on his “relationship” with Blair and Chuck replies by stating that closure is an unattainable goal.
Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy loves girl. Boy leaves girl. Boy moves on. Girl finds it impossible to move on/let go.
We have all been in a compromising situation of complex decision making where option A is staring you right in the face but option B keeps coming up in your peripheral vision—not because you don’t know what you want, which by the way is option A, but because it has become a life-threatening choice to let go of your past, which by the way is option B.
So many questions arise during the course of closure: Do I really want to let go of him? Would I lose myself in the process? Or would I lose something deeper?
A friend of mine recently explained to me that when you lose someone, it ALWAYS stays with you, constantly reminding you of how easy it is to let go. That is not total closure. That is not closure at all, because you are still conscious of the fact that someone has hurt you enough to make you not let go of yourself when entering another relationship.
I hope my words don’t get jumbled up because I am trying to type fast enough and at the same time explain this simply enough.
We have all been in situations where in our crystal clear mind, we have let go, absolutely, of option B, because it is the sensible heart and soul healing thing to do, and yet when the subject of that person comes up in a conversation, or when the activities that surrounds the existence of option B is re-surfacing, or even so much as flickers in or direction, a certain amount of hope re-surfaces with it. #fact
I have been a victim of closure. I thought I had finally suppressed the emotions I had for option B, but then recently, I was shocked when I saw a text on my phone and my heart actually still skipped a beat.
We have all been victims of that loosely termed word—closure.
Someone once told me, that trying to forget someone you once loved, maybe even your first love, is like trying to remember something that never happened.
The truth remains that total closure on one’s memories of a past love is impossible, because a song, a quote, even a smile is enough to trigger the remnants of the buried emotion that you thought you had previously put a lid on. Granted, it might not be love or even hope you feel when you remember the person, but what about hate, anger, regret, fear, sadness, anxiety, jealousy, betrayal, disgust, excitement, lust, and other emotions that are simply brewing under the surface of your heart? That is not total closure.
The truth remains that total closure is unattainable because a conscious effort to forget someone or something only further empowers thoughts of that person in your head.
#GBAM
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Entries from a 2009 Diary!
19/04/09
It seems so hard but yet remains simple—these emotions I feel are not my equal. I cannot fight it, and I refuse to. Sometimes I try hiding it away, like a child hiding from the dark—but my actions betray: as obvious as trees in a park.
And I cannot fight it, even I refuse to. This love we have means too much to end too soon. This love I feel means too much to be lost too soon, and to lose you too.
But who am I to stand in the way of you and your emotions—I only control mine.
Dede
19/05/09
Really, who am I to stand in the way of you and your inconsistent emotions? In the very end I only control mine, and irrespective of distance, space and time, I have loved you. I have loved.
I have loved so much that I have tried hard, especially on difficult days, tried not to not love you.
And now, barely a month after my heart-wrenching trials, I have lost you. I have lost.
And somewhere within me I know it is the right thing, but the truth is my dear, reason has abandoned me. And I could hate you—so easily, so totally. But I love you, more than I love me.
And even though I have lost you, I do not stop loving you, because in my self-deceived mind, you are coming back to me.
Dede
19/10/09
You are not coming back to me, are you?
Sometimes I wonder that if someone were to give me an opportunity to go back to the past, would I take it?
Sometimes I wonder, was it enough that I loved you incessantly, unconditionally? Was it enough to build us on?
It’s been nearly 6 months, hasn’t it? And you have moved on, haven’t you? But then you never really loved me, or did you? And you never even deserved me, period.
Because I see it now, I think I am finally able to let go of the idea of “us” again. And I am finally able to let go of you. And I have realized, or He made me realize, that love, not time, heals all wounds.
Dede
19/11/09
You see, love heals all wound. I know that this is really none of your business anymore, but I have a constant nagging in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to shout from roof-tops just so that you can know that I have found another. I have found another, but I cannot give him the whole of me, because you have taken a part of me away with you.
And I want to hurt you by telling you, but I know you do not care.
So I will simply enjoy the life that cupid has thrust onto my laps, because I deserve this happiness.
Dede
19/12/09
I deserve this happiness, don’t you see that? It has been almost a year and I simply refuse to end my year with this turmoil that my mind has been in.
Yes—I have said this repeatedly in the past but I can swear that this time, it really is different. I really do care about him, honestly, I do. But is it enough?
I feel like you have taken a vital part of me away—could I have it back?
Because I need it, to fully appreciate him, or myself. I fear I still need you.
And I realize that in an attempt not to control your emotions, I let you control mine!
Dede
It seems so hard but yet remains simple—these emotions I feel are not my equal. I cannot fight it, and I refuse to. Sometimes I try hiding it away, like a child hiding from the dark—but my actions betray: as obvious as trees in a park.
And I cannot fight it, even I refuse to. This love we have means too much to end too soon. This love I feel means too much to be lost too soon, and to lose you too.
But who am I to stand in the way of you and your emotions—I only control mine.
Dede
19/05/09
Really, who am I to stand in the way of you and your inconsistent emotions? In the very end I only control mine, and irrespective of distance, space and time, I have loved you. I have loved.
I have loved so much that I have tried hard, especially on difficult days, tried not to not love you.
And now, barely a month after my heart-wrenching trials, I have lost you. I have lost.
And somewhere within me I know it is the right thing, but the truth is my dear, reason has abandoned me. And I could hate you—so easily, so totally. But I love you, more than I love me.
And even though I have lost you, I do not stop loving you, because in my self-deceived mind, you are coming back to me.
Dede
19/10/09
You are not coming back to me, are you?
Sometimes I wonder that if someone were to give me an opportunity to go back to the past, would I take it?
Sometimes I wonder, was it enough that I loved you incessantly, unconditionally? Was it enough to build us on?
It’s been nearly 6 months, hasn’t it? And you have moved on, haven’t you? But then you never really loved me, or did you? And you never even deserved me, period.
Because I see it now, I think I am finally able to let go of the idea of “us” again. And I am finally able to let go of you. And I have realized, or He made me realize, that love, not time, heals all wounds.
Dede
19/11/09
You see, love heals all wound. I know that this is really none of your business anymore, but I have a constant nagging in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to shout from roof-tops just so that you can know that I have found another. I have found another, but I cannot give him the whole of me, because you have taken a part of me away with you.
And I want to hurt you by telling you, but I know you do not care.
So I will simply enjoy the life that cupid has thrust onto my laps, because I deserve this happiness.
Dede
19/12/09
I deserve this happiness, don’t you see that? It has been almost a year and I simply refuse to end my year with this turmoil that my mind has been in.
Yes—I have said this repeatedly in the past but I can swear that this time, it really is different. I really do care about him, honestly, I do. But is it enough?
I feel like you have taken a vital part of me away—could I have it back?
Because I need it, to fully appreciate him, or myself. I fear I still need you.
And I realize that in an attempt not to control your emotions, I let you control mine!
Dede
50 Things 2010 has taught me.
As the year 2010 approaches a much anticipated and welcome close, I have to reflect back on the things that I have learnt, either through books, friends, family, movies, or even by myself, through experience. Some of them are simple quotes that you have heard repeatedly over time, some you might not have heard before, but regardless, each has given cause to think and deeply reflect through the year 2010.
I have learnt that......
1.) ...2+2=5, but only if you believe it, and your lecturer doesn’t see it.
2.) ...It is better to lose an argument than to lose a friend.
3.) ...An eye for an eye only ends up making everyone blind.
4.) ...Friends should be there to take your side when you are wrong, because random person can stand for you when you are right.
5.) ...Failure isn’t when you fall down; it is when you stubbornly refuse to get right back up.
6.) ...When you know what’s right, but still don’t do it, that’s a sin.
7.) ...You should never look down on someone except you are helping them up.
8.) ...If you try real hard, you can keep your head when others about you lose theirs.
9.) ...Love comes to those who believe.
10.) ...Taking responsibility is a sign of maturity.
11.) ...When you accept who you are, you are superior to those who don’t accept you.
12.) ...Absence does not make the heart grow fonder; it drills a hole in it.
13.) ...It takes a long time to build up trust, and a few minutes to break it.
14.) ...Nothing lasts forever.
15.) ...Just when you are about to make both ends meet, someone comes along and moves the ends.
16.) ...It takes two to tango, but if you dance alone, no one will step on your toes.
17.) ...Open hatred can be hidden love.
18.) ...There is something interesting about someone’s unhappiness, and something dull about their happiness.
19.) ...The life you think is private is the subject of analysis, criticism, commendation or condemnation.
20.) ...The more you try to ignore someone, the more you become aware of the person.
21.) ...There is nothing compared to one’s first love.
22.) ...Education is one thing, experience is another.
23.) ...There is a difference between growing old, and growing up.
24.) ...You should not be ashamed or scared of making a mistake, looking foolish, being rejected, or being hurt.
25.) ...If you don’t hear opportunity knocking, find another door.
26.) ...If your lecturer tells you to stop talking or you will fail his course, he means it, seriously.
27.) ...Just because someone is flirting with you incessantly doesn’t mean he or she likes you.
28.) ...Everybody doesn’t have to like me, I don’t like everybody.
29.) ...I am responsible for the outcome of my day.
30.) ...Forgiveness means letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with my own happiness.
31.) ...When it comes down to it, we all just want to be loved.
32.) ...Survival only teaches one thing—survive or go under.
33.) ...Love is forgiving someone over and over again and again
34.) ...Lies, when big enough and regularly repeated would eventually become the truth.
35.) ...If you laugh a lot, when you get older, your wrinkles will be in the right places.
36.) ...Every day is a new beginning, another chance to laugh, to lose, and to live your life to the fullest. Another chance at life.
37.) ...No matter how much you have learnt from the past, you will still make mistakes in the future.
38.) ...Some people are always talking just because they like to hear the sound of their own voice.
39.) ...Little things are special things.
40.) ...Love is asking about someone’s day and truly caring about the answer.
41.) ...He who has injured me is either weaker or stronger than me, if weaker I should spare him, if stronger, I should spare myself.
42.) ...A successful man is one who can lay a foundation with bricks that have been thrown at him.
43.) ...Sometimes, you know you are making a wrong decision, but you make it anyway.
44.) ...When you lose someone, it stays with you, reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt.
45.) ...Life has a mind of its own.
46.) ...The assumption that as we get older, we will get wiser is not true.
47.) ...When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
48.) ...Flattery is alright, as long as you don’t inhale.
49.) ...There is no formula for success, but there is a formula for failure – trying to please everybody.
50.) ...If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now!
I have learnt that......
1.) ...2+2=5, but only if you believe it, and your lecturer doesn’t see it.
2.) ...It is better to lose an argument than to lose a friend.
3.) ...An eye for an eye only ends up making everyone blind.
4.) ...Friends should be there to take your side when you are wrong, because random person can stand for you when you are right.
5.) ...Failure isn’t when you fall down; it is when you stubbornly refuse to get right back up.
6.) ...When you know what’s right, but still don’t do it, that’s a sin.
7.) ...You should never look down on someone except you are helping them up.
8.) ...If you try real hard, you can keep your head when others about you lose theirs.
9.) ...Love comes to those who believe.
10.) ...Taking responsibility is a sign of maturity.
11.) ...When you accept who you are, you are superior to those who don’t accept you.
12.) ...Absence does not make the heart grow fonder; it drills a hole in it.
13.) ...It takes a long time to build up trust, and a few minutes to break it.
14.) ...Nothing lasts forever.
15.) ...Just when you are about to make both ends meet, someone comes along and moves the ends.
16.) ...It takes two to tango, but if you dance alone, no one will step on your toes.
17.) ...Open hatred can be hidden love.
18.) ...There is something interesting about someone’s unhappiness, and something dull about their happiness.
19.) ...The life you think is private is the subject of analysis, criticism, commendation or condemnation.
20.) ...The more you try to ignore someone, the more you become aware of the person.
21.) ...There is nothing compared to one’s first love.
22.) ...Education is one thing, experience is another.
23.) ...There is a difference between growing old, and growing up.
24.) ...You should not be ashamed or scared of making a mistake, looking foolish, being rejected, or being hurt.
25.) ...If you don’t hear opportunity knocking, find another door.
26.) ...If your lecturer tells you to stop talking or you will fail his course, he means it, seriously.
27.) ...Just because someone is flirting with you incessantly doesn’t mean he or she likes you.
28.) ...Everybody doesn’t have to like me, I don’t like everybody.
29.) ...I am responsible for the outcome of my day.
30.) ...Forgiveness means letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with my own happiness.
31.) ...When it comes down to it, we all just want to be loved.
32.) ...Survival only teaches one thing—survive or go under.
33.) ...Love is forgiving someone over and over again and again
34.) ...Lies, when big enough and regularly repeated would eventually become the truth.
35.) ...If you laugh a lot, when you get older, your wrinkles will be in the right places.
36.) ...Every day is a new beginning, another chance to laugh, to lose, and to live your life to the fullest. Another chance at life.
37.) ...No matter how much you have learnt from the past, you will still make mistakes in the future.
38.) ...Some people are always talking just because they like to hear the sound of their own voice.
39.) ...Little things are special things.
40.) ...Love is asking about someone’s day and truly caring about the answer.
41.) ...He who has injured me is either weaker or stronger than me, if weaker I should spare him, if stronger, I should spare myself.
42.) ...A successful man is one who can lay a foundation with bricks that have been thrown at him.
43.) ...Sometimes, you know you are making a wrong decision, but you make it anyway.
44.) ...When you lose someone, it stays with you, reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt.
45.) ...Life has a mind of its own.
46.) ...The assumption that as we get older, we will get wiser is not true.
47.) ...When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
48.) ...Flattery is alright, as long as you don’t inhale.
49.) ...There is no formula for success, but there is a formula for failure – trying to please everybody.
50.) ...If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
sOME trUth We loVE TO HatE.
Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth—to see it as it is, and tell it like it is—to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth
Richard Nixon U.S. president (1913 - 1994)
Seriously, like the fact that my jeans no longer fit and I have to resort to jumping up and down continuously while my two cousins from the obodo giggle on in the dimly-lit corridor. Or should I count the number of times I placed Daniel (my younger cousin form the famous obodo) on my tummy so I could zip up and button my shorts? And I cannot forget the black on black that I have to wear when I am going somewhere with skinny chicks. Oh! Of course there is the way I pack my hair that makes my face look longer and takes focus away from the so-called cute chubby cheeks!
Then, there is the fact that he doesn’t call you as much as you call him, and you even have to endure his famous “I’m busy response” a couple of times before you get to have a little conversation. But in your naïve mind, he is simply hustling money to take you out for that weekend he promised you twenty million years ago!
There is also the fact that your school fees are really #kobo but you say it is #naira. Or the fact that there is no course called #blablabla, but you collect money for its registration, its handout, and its examination. Let’s not forget that you are really not carrying over that #somethingsomething course, but you collect money for summer.
But those are even the big lies. It’s just the natural human instinct, to do away with the truth!
No one wants the truth if it is inconvenient, even me! So what do we do o my peoples?
So often, that we don’t even know, we are held in captivity by the truth we have refused to listen to, admit, or say—and it kills us inside, gradually, till after a while we are no longer even conscious of the fact that we are dead. Some people died so long ago that they have skipped right through this article.
We have lied so much that we don’t even know what a lie is anyone. Let me help you:
• When you are taking a dump and a boy calls you and asks what you are doing, and you say “just chilling”, na lie.
• When you see your phone ringing and you mute it, and then send a message saying “sorry I missed your call”, na lie.
• When you tell the interviewer that you have experience in the field, and you are fresh outta college, na lie.
• When your mom/dad/anyone calls you, and you shout I’m in the toilet, when you are lying down on your bed, facebooking, na lie.
• When your mum asks you if you need an advance on your allowance and your wallet is still heavy, na lie.
Seriously, I recently got nabbed on a simple “small” lie that I could have avoided. Why can’t we all just tell the truth? That is my late-in-the-year resolution o peoples, starting from now, so here is some of the truth that I love to hate…..feel free to add yours, or write it on your own article:
• I like boys! Yes, I can’t help it because I’m an emotionally alive young lady. I like to scope them, insult them, love them, and be loved by them, be chyked by them, talk to them, and ignore them.
• I am on the plus side! Yes, but in a good way though. I am not slim, chubby, or even fat; I just fill out in the right places.
• Sometimes I don’t wanna be with my friends. Sorry, but totally true. I need my alone time sometimes.
• I have terrible mood swings, and it’s not just PMS, it’s sometimes you. True story!
• I might bring you down sometimes just to make myself feel good. I am only human.
• I actually love my brother a lot and would be terrible hurt if something were to happen to him.
• I am conceited (yes! I know you have told me over and over, well this is me admitting it), and I want things to be about me, but you really cannot blame me, after all, it is my life.
There is so much more, but this piece would never end, and frankly, I have a poem to write*cheeky smile*
To end this, in the words of Virginia Woolf, British novelist and critic (1882 - 1941) if you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.
Ciao!
Richard Nixon U.S. president (1913 - 1994)
Seriously, like the fact that my jeans no longer fit and I have to resort to jumping up and down continuously while my two cousins from the obodo giggle on in the dimly-lit corridor. Or should I count the number of times I placed Daniel (my younger cousin form the famous obodo) on my tummy so I could zip up and button my shorts? And I cannot forget the black on black that I have to wear when I am going somewhere with skinny chicks. Oh! Of course there is the way I pack my hair that makes my face look longer and takes focus away from the so-called cute chubby cheeks!
Then, there is the fact that he doesn’t call you as much as you call him, and you even have to endure his famous “I’m busy response” a couple of times before you get to have a little conversation. But in your naïve mind, he is simply hustling money to take you out for that weekend he promised you twenty million years ago!
There is also the fact that your school fees are really #kobo but you say it is #naira. Or the fact that there is no course called #blablabla, but you collect money for its registration, its handout, and its examination. Let’s not forget that you are really not carrying over that #somethingsomething course, but you collect money for summer.
But those are even the big lies. It’s just the natural human instinct, to do away with the truth!
No one wants the truth if it is inconvenient, even me! So what do we do o my peoples?
So often, that we don’t even know, we are held in captivity by the truth we have refused to listen to, admit, or say—and it kills us inside, gradually, till after a while we are no longer even conscious of the fact that we are dead. Some people died so long ago that they have skipped right through this article.
We have lied so much that we don’t even know what a lie is anyone. Let me help you:
• When you are taking a dump and a boy calls you and asks what you are doing, and you say “just chilling”, na lie.
• When you see your phone ringing and you mute it, and then send a message saying “sorry I missed your call”, na lie.
• When you tell the interviewer that you have experience in the field, and you are fresh outta college, na lie.
• When your mom/dad/anyone calls you, and you shout I’m in the toilet, when you are lying down on your bed, facebooking, na lie.
• When your mum asks you if you need an advance on your allowance and your wallet is still heavy, na lie.
Seriously, I recently got nabbed on a simple “small” lie that I could have avoided. Why can’t we all just tell the truth? That is my late-in-the-year resolution o peoples, starting from now, so here is some of the truth that I love to hate…..feel free to add yours, or write it on your own article:
• I like boys! Yes, I can’t help it because I’m an emotionally alive young lady. I like to scope them, insult them, love them, and be loved by them, be chyked by them, talk to them, and ignore them.
• I am on the plus side! Yes, but in a good way though. I am not slim, chubby, or even fat; I just fill out in the right places.
• Sometimes I don’t wanna be with my friends. Sorry, but totally true. I need my alone time sometimes.
• I have terrible mood swings, and it’s not just PMS, it’s sometimes you. True story!
• I might bring you down sometimes just to make myself feel good. I am only human.
• I actually love my brother a lot and would be terrible hurt if something were to happen to him.
• I am conceited (yes! I know you have told me over and over, well this is me admitting it), and I want things to be about me, but you really cannot blame me, after all, it is my life.
There is so much more, but this piece would never end, and frankly, I have a poem to write*cheeky smile*
To end this, in the words of Virginia Woolf, British novelist and critic (1882 - 1941) if you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.
Ciao!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
EXCLUSIVE ARTICLE!! Story of my 5naira boy’s rebellion…
Once upon a time in a far far away land called reality lived two young children/teenagers/adolescents/young adults who were deceived by cupid into thinking they were madly in love with each other—and they were.
From break-up’s to make up’s, from jealousy to insecurity, but they survived.
However, this is not a story about the couple who wouldn’t give up on each other, no; it is a story about the 5 naira boy who decided to revolt. For the purpose of privacy, and anonymity, the subject in this context shall ONLY be referred to as the 5 naira boy (are YOU satisfied?).
What is a 5 naira boy, you ask? I’ll tell you the history/genesis of the soon-to-be-world-wide accepted title, before embarking of the journey.
As we all know, MTN-to-MTN on Xtracool (now known as funlink) is 5 naira, only.
My 5 naira boy isn’t only my 5 naira boy, he is also my “please call me back” twenty times a day boy. Always sends that please call me back ish, so annoying, and nasty habit. It even got to a point where his messages remained unopened because the content was already known by me (e no pass *133*number#), after all, na free text.
He is also my “20-second-rule” boy. It’s like some kind of disease that even when he calls he briefs it so much that soon after I forget what the point was.
To be fair though, on a good day, my 5 naira boy could chat with me for a bit, say maybe 10 messages, or he could be as gallant as to grace us with a phone call of 3-to-5 minutes. On a good day.
Na so I vex o. money na small thing abi? Decided to show myself!
Hence begins the battle of the 5 naira boy and, well, me.
Flashed him a couple of days ago for some 20-sum minutes.
My 5 naira boy vexed back.
In his words, “You want to test me abi?”
LIKE DUH!
Please O! 5 naira boy, awake from your slumber—and he did.
Next thing I know, my 5 naira boy calls for 19minutes and says, with of the pride he can muster, “By the way, this is me flashing you back.”
Chai! Omo na die o.
Next thing I know, its 26 minutes, and longer, and longer, till I concede victory to my former 5 naira boy.
I cannot compete with this; I refuse to compete with this.
My 5 naira boy has been gingered to swagger the ginger.
Let’s go noni—except I’m not going anywhere but sitting patiently here to receive his long long phone calls.
I have been schooled in the art of MTN.
I have learnt.
Finally—he has learnt.
My 5 naira boy, the student, has become the master.
Sidenote:
*To girls, this is how you ginger your 5 naira boy!
**To my 5 naira boy, I alone know the truth, but I still love you (this makes the world know you too ^_^)
From break-up’s to make up’s, from jealousy to insecurity, but they survived.
However, this is not a story about the couple who wouldn’t give up on each other, no; it is a story about the 5 naira boy who decided to revolt. For the purpose of privacy, and anonymity, the subject in this context shall ONLY be referred to as the 5 naira boy (are YOU satisfied?).
What is a 5 naira boy, you ask? I’ll tell you the history/genesis of the soon-to-be-world-wide accepted title, before embarking of the journey.
As we all know, MTN-to-MTN on Xtracool (now known as funlink) is 5 naira, only.
My 5 naira boy isn’t only my 5 naira boy, he is also my “please call me back” twenty times a day boy. Always sends that please call me back ish, so annoying, and nasty habit. It even got to a point where his messages remained unopened because the content was already known by me (e no pass *133*number#), after all, na free text.
He is also my “20-second-rule” boy. It’s like some kind of disease that even when he calls he briefs it so much that soon after I forget what the point was.
To be fair though, on a good day, my 5 naira boy could chat with me for a bit, say maybe 10 messages, or he could be as gallant as to grace us with a phone call of 3-to-5 minutes. On a good day.
Na so I vex o. money na small thing abi? Decided to show myself!
Hence begins the battle of the 5 naira boy and, well, me.
Flashed him a couple of days ago for some 20-sum minutes.
My 5 naira boy vexed back.
In his words, “You want to test me abi?”
LIKE DUH!
Please O! 5 naira boy, awake from your slumber—and he did.
Next thing I know, my 5 naira boy calls for 19minutes and says, with of the pride he can muster, “By the way, this is me flashing you back.”
Chai! Omo na die o.
Next thing I know, its 26 minutes, and longer, and longer, till I concede victory to my former 5 naira boy.
I cannot compete with this; I refuse to compete with this.
My 5 naira boy has been gingered to swagger the ginger.
Let’s go noni—except I’m not going anywhere but sitting patiently here to receive his long long phone calls.
I have been schooled in the art of MTN.
I have learnt.
Finally—he has learnt.
My 5 naira boy, the student, has become the master.
Sidenote:
*To girls, this is how you ginger your 5 naira boy!
**To my 5 naira boy, I alone know the truth, but I still love you (this makes the world know you too ^_^)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Dear Reader!
Dear Reader,
Can Nigeria be any more sadistic than it already is?
I really doubt it; with all this carnage that is fast booming into a rampage (really didn’t mean to rhyme).
Its August 2010, couple of days before September. Place of location is Akure town, the capital of Ondo State.
Problem?
Well the problem is that jejely on my own o, I was driving to work, so I get to a round-a-bout, and what do I see but Ębǫ.
What is Ębǫ?
Now, for those who have no idea what Ębǫ is, and for those who aren’t Yoruba movie fanatics, (not saying I am one o, truth is I make it my personal business to crucify most Nollywood movies, but that is another article entirely) Ębǫ is a Yoruba word used to define a sacrifice by people to gods (notice the small g?).
Anyway, most times the sacrifice consists of a black ceramic bowl with food like yam or eba, mixed with palm oil—or something of that sort. I don’t really know because I have never gotten too close to the bowl (yes, me sef fear am).
The deal is, the sacrifice is made to appease these gods, because, I’m guessing, some ignorant herbalist somewhere has said, “E lo se Étutu”.
Bullshit.
And I say that with all respect to human rights of religion, bla bla bla. This one though is blind stupidity and ignorance.
Do these gods come down to eat of this so-called delicacy? No. the sacrifice just gets eaten by some totally random mad man who has been starving for days.
These sacrifices that are placed in front of schools, market areas, hospitals, homes, shops, are fast gaining popularity among Yoruba people.
I used to think this was just some kind of thing that you’d see in a movie but never witness in reality, but here I am, a 19-year-old simple student, being made to eat my words. I feel like an atheist who is coming face to face with God.
Are people really still this way?
I can’t even get the sight out of my head.
It is sad, that Nigerians still believe in these doctrines?
When are we going to let go of barbaric acts?
And just so you know, this isn’t the first one I am seeing, so it is not like I am just making noise.
Plus this is just the tip of the iceberg that would eventually sink the ship called Nigeria.
I mean, as if we don’t have enough on our plate with our leaders being corrupt, strikes, and lack of proper education, we now also have to worry about blood sacrifices, rituals, and kidnappings by stupid ignorant people looking for a quick buck or looking to get even with someone.
I am tired.
I am tired of being inside my house when some Deji is being crowned and the whole town is on lockdown because they are looking for heads to sacrifice.
I am tired of rushing into my house at 6 o’clock in the evening because some people are hungry to kidnap.
I am tired.
I am concerned.
I am concerned for my cute baby brother who is only 3 months old and would have to grow up in this sadistic country.
I am concerned for my unborn children who would/might grow up in this country that lacks discipline.
I am concerned.
And I just want it all to end, because enough really is enough.
I might be just one voice out of 150million, but I have given you something to think about, so please think.
For us, for our future.
Signed,
A concerned citizen!
Can Nigeria be any more sadistic than it already is?
I really doubt it; with all this carnage that is fast booming into a rampage (really didn’t mean to rhyme).
Its August 2010, couple of days before September. Place of location is Akure town, the capital of Ondo State.
Problem?
Well the problem is that jejely on my own o, I was driving to work, so I get to a round-a-bout, and what do I see but Ębǫ.
What is Ębǫ?
Now, for those who have no idea what Ębǫ is, and for those who aren’t Yoruba movie fanatics, (not saying I am one o, truth is I make it my personal business to crucify most Nollywood movies, but that is another article entirely) Ębǫ is a Yoruba word used to define a sacrifice by people to gods (notice the small g?).
Anyway, most times the sacrifice consists of a black ceramic bowl with food like yam or eba, mixed with palm oil—or something of that sort. I don’t really know because I have never gotten too close to the bowl (yes, me sef fear am).
The deal is, the sacrifice is made to appease these gods, because, I’m guessing, some ignorant herbalist somewhere has said, “E lo se Étutu”.
Bullshit.
And I say that with all respect to human rights of religion, bla bla bla. This one though is blind stupidity and ignorance.
Do these gods come down to eat of this so-called delicacy? No. the sacrifice just gets eaten by some totally random mad man who has been starving for days.
These sacrifices that are placed in front of schools, market areas, hospitals, homes, shops, are fast gaining popularity among Yoruba people.
I used to think this was just some kind of thing that you’d see in a movie but never witness in reality, but here I am, a 19-year-old simple student, being made to eat my words. I feel like an atheist who is coming face to face with God.
Are people really still this way?
I can’t even get the sight out of my head.
It is sad, that Nigerians still believe in these doctrines?
When are we going to let go of barbaric acts?
And just so you know, this isn’t the first one I am seeing, so it is not like I am just making noise.
Plus this is just the tip of the iceberg that would eventually sink the ship called Nigeria.
I mean, as if we don’t have enough on our plate with our leaders being corrupt, strikes, and lack of proper education, we now also have to worry about blood sacrifices, rituals, and kidnappings by stupid ignorant people looking for a quick buck or looking to get even with someone.
I am tired.
I am tired of being inside my house when some Deji is being crowned and the whole town is on lockdown because they are looking for heads to sacrifice.
I am tired of rushing into my house at 6 o’clock in the evening because some people are hungry to kidnap.
I am tired.
I am concerned.
I am concerned for my cute baby brother who is only 3 months old and would have to grow up in this sadistic country.
I am concerned for my unborn children who would/might grow up in this country that lacks discipline.
I am concerned.
And I just want it all to end, because enough really is enough.
I might be just one voice out of 150million, but I have given you something to think about, so please think.
For us, for our future.
Signed,
A concerned citizen!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Green, and White, and Green!
The color of our nation; discarded,
Lost lessons never reprimanded,
And they know this—
Hollow oaths that gag us,
Secrets and lies control us.
Poor poor souls,
That need a reality check of their so-called leaders.
What reality check?
The one we already know and accept?
Don’t you know silence is acceptance?
And they force dumb muteness on us,
Carnage and ritualistic defiance of the unity our flag boasts of—
What unity?
If our forefathers could see,
They would spit the floor with phlegm colored disgust.
Even agriculture is taken from us,
The sugar we but is from a transcontinental land.
SUGAR!
Soon we would bring the white man’s sand,
And call ourselves industrialized.
What madness is this?
That a 19-year-old sees,
But fathers do not recognize?
They talk about education,
Ha! Education—
A man who cannot feed his son,
Knows not the way to wisdom.
And they push us—
Continually;
Persistently,
Till our stinging weather-beaten backs torch the wall,
Yet what do we do?
But crawl into a fetal ball,
And shiver.
Shame on you—
Who blames the leaders,
From the luxury of your feathered bed,
Shame on you—
Who sympathies with beggars,
As you eat of your tender tasty bread,
With a variety even,
Today egg,
Tomorrow the white man’s tea.
Betrayal is what it is,
By you,
By me.
We sit and do nothing,
Complaining; Gossiping; Writing even.
Talk is cheap my nation—
It does not buy the starved man a meal,
Green, and white, and green,
Belongs to all of us,
Not to neglect,
But to convene; Respect.
O! Give us peace,
Give us life,
Give us growth—
Give us tomorrow!
Lost lessons never reprimanded,
And they know this—
Hollow oaths that gag us,
Secrets and lies control us.
Poor poor souls,
That need a reality check of their so-called leaders.
What reality check?
The one we already know and accept?
Don’t you know silence is acceptance?
And they force dumb muteness on us,
Carnage and ritualistic defiance of the unity our flag boasts of—
What unity?
If our forefathers could see,
They would spit the floor with phlegm colored disgust.
Even agriculture is taken from us,
The sugar we but is from a transcontinental land.
SUGAR!
Soon we would bring the white man’s sand,
And call ourselves industrialized.
What madness is this?
That a 19-year-old sees,
But fathers do not recognize?
They talk about education,
Ha! Education—
A man who cannot feed his son,
Knows not the way to wisdom.
And they push us—
Continually;
Persistently,
Till our stinging weather-beaten backs torch the wall,
Yet what do we do?
But crawl into a fetal ball,
And shiver.
Shame on you—
Who blames the leaders,
From the luxury of your feathered bed,
Shame on you—
Who sympathies with beggars,
As you eat of your tender tasty bread,
With a variety even,
Today egg,
Tomorrow the white man’s tea.
Betrayal is what it is,
By you,
By me.
We sit and do nothing,
Complaining; Gossiping; Writing even.
Talk is cheap my nation—
It does not buy the starved man a meal,
Green, and white, and green,
Belongs to all of us,
Not to neglect,
But to convene; Respect.
O! Give us peace,
Give us life,
Give us growth—
Give us tomorrow!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Still on that first love
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, the anticipation of your presence still has this effect on me. You see, the problem isn’t me, and it isn’t the poor unknowing boys who have fallen in love with an already broken-hearted girl. The problem is you.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, there are unforgettable memories that I have lingering in a part of my head; memories that I have, and unconsciously use to compare these boys against. You see, the problem isn’t me. I am more than ready to give you up—but my heart won’t let me release you, my body won’t let me forget you—and I have tried to. Believe me when I say that I have tried and tried and tried and tried to erase you from my already complicated life, and yet your presence is ever felt.
It’s not fair that seeing your pictures today brought back an incredible rush of all the emotions I thought I had already overcome. It’s making me crave your voice, your smile, your touch, even your attention. I could pull my hair out trying to describe to anybody who is willing to listen the way I feel about you. I love you. I loved you.
Hopelessly.
Completely.
Unconditionally.
And even though you’ve hurt me, you remain the love of my life. That perfect human that I have placed on a pedestal.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, deep down in my mind, I keep waiting on you. It’s like a mind disorientating drug. My own special drug. You are tattooed in my heart, and in my head. You are still a part of everything I do, say, think, and write.
He doesn’t compare to you.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, I am trapped. Yes, trapped. Because even though I do care about him, it is you that my heart beats faster for. It is you that slow songs make meaning for.
Isn’t it unfair?
I want to know if it will always be like this. I hear love heals all wound—I have had love. I hear time heals all wounds—I have had time, and yet my wounds do not heal.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together I still need you. Unbelievable but it’s like an abuse. I need you for survival, like a dose of fresh air when one has been trapped in an airless room for too long. I need you so much that I think even he is starting to see through my lies.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, there are unforgettable memories that I have lingering in a part of my head; memories that I have, and unconsciously use to compare these boys against. You see, the problem isn’t me. I am more than ready to give you up—but my heart won’t let me release you, my body won’t let me forget you—and I have tried to. Believe me when I say that I have tried and tried and tried and tried to erase you from my already complicated life, and yet your presence is ever felt.
It’s not fair that seeing your pictures today brought back an incredible rush of all the emotions I thought I had already overcome. It’s making me crave your voice, your smile, your touch, even your attention. I could pull my hair out trying to describe to anybody who is willing to listen the way I feel about you. I love you. I loved you.
Hopelessly.
Completely.
Unconditionally.
And even though you’ve hurt me, you remain the love of my life. That perfect human that I have placed on a pedestal.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, deep down in my mind, I keep waiting on you. It’s like a mind disorientating drug. My own special drug. You are tattooed in my heart, and in my head. You are still a part of everything I do, say, think, and write.
He doesn’t compare to you.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, I am trapped. Yes, trapped. Because even though I do care about him, it is you that my heart beats faster for. It is you that slow songs make meaning for.
Isn’t it unfair?
I want to know if it will always be like this. I hear love heals all wound—I have had love. I hear time heals all wounds—I have had time, and yet my wounds do not heal.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together I still need you. Unbelievable but it’s like an abuse. I need you for survival, like a dose of fresh air when one has been trapped in an airless room for too long. I need you so much that I think even he is starting to see through my lies.
Phase 1
I’m going through a phase.
The thing is I don’t know how long it’s going to last, or even when I’m going to come out of it. I don’t know what, or how, it started—it could be because of you, him, or even me.
I also have absolutely no idea if I’m going to come out of this a better person, or worse than I was before. Am I going to grow spiritually? Emotionally? Or psychologically?
I don’t know any of this. All I know is that I’m going through a phase, and the truth is, I don’t know if you can come with me. I don’t even know if I want you to come with me. Because in the end, when I think about it, I realise that maybe YOU are my phase.
Isn’t it possible that you, who I once wanted around me, as my daily daily bread, has turned into the last person I want to see? The problem is that I think I have outgrown you. Not outgrown you as in more mature, but outgrown you as in I don’t need you, or want you, anymore.
And it is sad, so sad, because I know this is just a phase, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that after this phase I will need you again, I will want you again. I only hope that you’ll be there at the end, waiting for me, waiting for us.
The thing is I don’t know how long it’s going to last, or even when I’m going to come out of it. I don’t know what, or how, it started—it could be because of you, him, or even me.
I also have absolutely no idea if I’m going to come out of this a better person, or worse than I was before. Am I going to grow spiritually? Emotionally? Or psychologically?
I don’t know any of this. All I know is that I’m going through a phase, and the truth is, I don’t know if you can come with me. I don’t even know if I want you to come with me. Because in the end, when I think about it, I realise that maybe YOU are my phase.
Isn’t it possible that you, who I once wanted around me, as my daily daily bread, has turned into the last person I want to see? The problem is that I think I have outgrown you. Not outgrown you as in more mature, but outgrown you as in I don’t need you, or want you, anymore.
And it is sad, so sad, because I know this is just a phase, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that after this phase I will need you again, I will want you again. I only hope that you’ll be there at the end, waiting for me, waiting for us.
My ill-fated leap of faith
I have taken a leap of faith.
My very first leap of faith, ever, into your once willing arms only to be dropped so abruptly with no fair warning. It is said that no matter how hard you try, you can never do enough—you are going to piss off someone, hurt someone, and let someone down.
I should be disappointed, however, your action is nothing short of my expectation, and I expected you to let me fall.
I have taken a leap of faith that has cost me my heart. I have taken a leap of faith that has cost me myself. And I could regret it, but I don’t, because the consequences of my action is as a result of my lack of responsibility, I could have avoided this.
My leap of faith that you constantly pressured me into taking has finally broken my fall, broken me. And who is at fault? I could blame you, so easily, for warming your way into my heart with your constant lies and sugar-coated half-truths. But you see, I am my own enemy, and the blame of my foolishness resides in me. Because in the end, in the very end, my belief of your lies is a choice that I consciously made, a choice best known to me.
My love for you can be placed on a pedestal; you can be placed on a pedestal as a form of comparism for every other boy, an epitome of perfection necessary for emulation. In my head. And now I know that you are not as different as you once claimed to be, and now I realise how that bare-assed youngster called cupid has mad a gallant fool of me.
Because regardless of the constant whispering of the so-called bad belle people, regardless of the obvious interference of your stubborn past into our fragile tomorrow, regardless of the apparent ways in which you could hurt me, I fell for you.
Falling for you consumed my heart, soul, and body. Falling for you was my leap of faith. Falling for you was my mistake.
My very first leap of faith, ever, into your once willing arms only to be dropped so abruptly with no fair warning. It is said that no matter how hard you try, you can never do enough—you are going to piss off someone, hurt someone, and let someone down.
I should be disappointed, however, your action is nothing short of my expectation, and I expected you to let me fall.
I have taken a leap of faith that has cost me my heart. I have taken a leap of faith that has cost me myself. And I could regret it, but I don’t, because the consequences of my action is as a result of my lack of responsibility, I could have avoided this.
My leap of faith that you constantly pressured me into taking has finally broken my fall, broken me. And who is at fault? I could blame you, so easily, for warming your way into my heart with your constant lies and sugar-coated half-truths. But you see, I am my own enemy, and the blame of my foolishness resides in me. Because in the end, in the very end, my belief of your lies is a choice that I consciously made, a choice best known to me.
My love for you can be placed on a pedestal; you can be placed on a pedestal as a form of comparism for every other boy, an epitome of perfection necessary for emulation. In my head. And now I know that you are not as different as you once claimed to be, and now I realise how that bare-assed youngster called cupid has mad a gallant fool of me.
Because regardless of the constant whispering of the so-called bad belle people, regardless of the obvious interference of your stubborn past into our fragile tomorrow, regardless of the apparent ways in which you could hurt me, I fell for you.
Falling for you consumed my heart, soul, and body. Falling for you was my leap of faith. Falling for you was my mistake.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Regrets 20.03,09
All those times I didn’t walk away, when I knew it was best to go, seem to be coming back to haunt me tonight.
Of all nights, does it have to be tonight?
And I sit back, thinking on everything, and finally I see, they were never mistakes…every action had been carefully and diligently planned in my sub-conscious mind, but yet, as usual, tonight again, I shifted the blame to my silently accepting helplessness.
I know I should hold nobody responsible for my actions except myself, I am no stranger to the voices constantly echoing inside of my head, and yet, as usual, tonight again, I ignored them, hoping in vain that they’ll fade away.
I realize that soon enough everything will catch up, because frankly I cannot run from them much longer. And I know, without anybody whispering to me, that when I finally stop long enough to catch my breath, karma is going to sneak up on me. And who would I blame then? Knowing fully that I’m the one responsible for my circumstances, and yet, as usual, tonight again, I fight myself, I truly fight myself.
You have been everything you have said you would be, and yet I hold you responsible for what I do to me. It’s so easy to fall into that same old routine. I call it a mistake, you call it, unfortunate. So as usual, tonight again, I ask for permission to take advantage of your love, to use you because you always understand.
I realize that you may not always be there, here, and I know that a time will come when I will cry, and cry, begging you not to leave me, that this will be the last time, all the while knowing fully well that the last time will be a next time, and the next time will be a last time…till the last time doesn’t come. Because “the last time” doesn’t exist for me.
And yet, even as I type this, I realize that it really isn’t my entire fault. It is possible to lie, but I have chosen to always say the truth, no matter how aggressive or unfaithful it may be. Because I realize I’d rather live without you honestly, than live a lie in your love. And for that alone, I deserve your sympathy, once again, I ask for understanding, because I do love you.
And I do love you…hopelessly…completely…faithfully. And yet, as usual, tonight again, I try to convince no one else but myself, that I never meant to hurt you. Once, I called it a mistake, but now, I call it foolishness.
And I ask you to please still love me. I feel no shame in begging for your undying love, because I still, always will, love you…hopelessly…completely…faithfully.
Of all nights, does it have to be tonight?
And I sit back, thinking on everything, and finally I see, they were never mistakes…every action had been carefully and diligently planned in my sub-conscious mind, but yet, as usual, tonight again, I shifted the blame to my silently accepting helplessness.
I know I should hold nobody responsible for my actions except myself, I am no stranger to the voices constantly echoing inside of my head, and yet, as usual, tonight again, I ignored them, hoping in vain that they’ll fade away.
I realize that soon enough everything will catch up, because frankly I cannot run from them much longer. And I know, without anybody whispering to me, that when I finally stop long enough to catch my breath, karma is going to sneak up on me. And who would I blame then? Knowing fully that I’m the one responsible for my circumstances, and yet, as usual, tonight again, I fight myself, I truly fight myself.
You have been everything you have said you would be, and yet I hold you responsible for what I do to me. It’s so easy to fall into that same old routine. I call it a mistake, you call it, unfortunate. So as usual, tonight again, I ask for permission to take advantage of your love, to use you because you always understand.
I realize that you may not always be there, here, and I know that a time will come when I will cry, and cry, begging you not to leave me, that this will be the last time, all the while knowing fully well that the last time will be a next time, and the next time will be a last time…till the last time doesn’t come. Because “the last time” doesn’t exist for me.
And yet, even as I type this, I realize that it really isn’t my entire fault. It is possible to lie, but I have chosen to always say the truth, no matter how aggressive or unfaithful it may be. Because I realize I’d rather live without you honestly, than live a lie in your love. And for that alone, I deserve your sympathy, once again, I ask for understanding, because I do love you.
And I do love you…hopelessly…completely…faithfully. And yet, as usual, tonight again, I try to convince no one else but myself, that I never meant to hurt you. Once, I called it a mistake, but now, I call it foolishness.
And I ask you to please still love me. I feel no shame in begging for your undying love, because I still, always will, love you…hopelessly…completely…faithfully.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Exhaustion
Exhaustion
I have experienced so much of it, and yet sometimes I have to sit myself down and question me—how have I come to be this way? And where does this exhaustion come from?
I cannot say that I have lived my life to the fullest, and yet within me I am aware of the fact that this is not my fault. On countless occasions I have been forced to grow up when I was meant to be a kid or a teenager, or just a girl.
I have grown up, I have grown up, and yet I feel so inexperienced when I think of all the activities I just scaled through. All the things I was always too young to do, and then gradually became too old to do.
And yet through this building frustration, I know only exhaustion. Exhaustion that rises from repeatedly doing the same things-things I could have done without.
And through this I do not complain. For they look upon me with their up-turned noses thinking to themselves, “She has known no pain”. But I have. I have known pain to the point of sheer exhaustion.
You see, the same things keep coming to hunt me. Not the unknown things that I wish I had access to, to quench my inexperience, but the things I have been through so often already that I have mastered their vices.
And yet they silence me when I voice out. It’s a shame really, that I allow the same people who forced me to grow up too fast to kill my spirit too soon. Too soon. And when I think about it, really think about it, what is my gain?
When I reflect on the things I have left undone, the numerous lives I have been too busy to touch, what is the realization?
Exhaustion.
I could have been better.
I have experienced so much of it, and yet sometimes I have to sit myself down and question me—how have I come to be this way? And where does this exhaustion come from?
I cannot say that I have lived my life to the fullest, and yet within me I am aware of the fact that this is not my fault. On countless occasions I have been forced to grow up when I was meant to be a kid or a teenager, or just a girl.
I have grown up, I have grown up, and yet I feel so inexperienced when I think of all the activities I just scaled through. All the things I was always too young to do, and then gradually became too old to do.
And yet through this building frustration, I know only exhaustion. Exhaustion that rises from repeatedly doing the same things-things I could have done without.
And through this I do not complain. For they look upon me with their up-turned noses thinking to themselves, “She has known no pain”. But I have. I have known pain to the point of sheer exhaustion.
You see, the same things keep coming to hunt me. Not the unknown things that I wish I had access to, to quench my inexperience, but the things I have been through so often already that I have mastered their vices.
And yet they silence me when I voice out. It’s a shame really, that I allow the same people who forced me to grow up too fast to kill my spirit too soon. Too soon. And when I think about it, really think about it, what is my gain?
When I reflect on the things I have left undone, the numerous lives I have been too busy to touch, what is the realization?
Exhaustion.
I could have been better.
Letter from a Broken Healing heart
Can I tell you a secret? Would you keep it?
This is the last time I would put my heart before my head. You see, loving you has made me realize that it’s too easy to let hate be the remedy of every situation. I love you one day, and the next I despise you. I’ve realized that people who love us can still hurt us, and betrayal by them hurts the most. So today, I’m saying that I’m taking charge of my life; your love won’t rule me.
Taking charge isn’t shutting you out, and it isn’t keeping you away, it’s simply taking control of my own heartache, disappointment, and loss.
But before I withdraw my heart from your grasp can I ask you a question?
The love you showed to me, was it my illusion?
You always say it’s all about me, but don’t you see? It’s not about me if you still love her. It’s not about me if I call your heart and love doesn’t answer.
There are so many questions I have to ask—
Who did you love? And who did you truly love? Did you break her heart? Or did she break yours?
You don’t see that you’ve been living two different lives, loving two different girls, telling two multiple lies. You don’t see that your apologies have begun to have a familiar pattern. But I do. See.
Your wounds are deeper than your desires. Your head wants me, but your heart is still healing, and even though I knew this all along, I always thought that maybe, just maybe, love could truly heal all wounds, but you’re not even giving yourself the opportunity to love me in return. You’re so consumed in your self-pity that you don’t see that you are really hurting yourself. Not me. But yourself, and no matter how hard you try, your lies won’t hurt me.
What value is life if it is a lie? The fact that you have chosen to live a lie is enough to tell me that you’re in too deep in your self- pity, but you don’t see, that I’m in too deep in loving you, I’m trying to keep from loving you but I’ve been loving you too long.
I’ve finally realized that I don’t want to hurt me anymore. I realize now, that you have to be alone. You can have me fight for you, but I won’t. I don’t want to fight myself because of you. You love yourself more than me, so often you’ve chosen you over me, and in reality the only thing you’re giving me are promises.
Your deception is a conception of the game of pretence…
You pretend to be fully healed.
It’s too easy to let hate be the remedy for this situation. You, like all the other boys I have loved at a point in my life, fail to see that me, and any other girl that has ever loved you so strongly may detest you even more.
I should have known that if you are for me, no one can take you from me, not even your past.
Emotion is power, and passion makes a fool of us all, however, some of us more than others.
So many times I wish I never met you, never touched you, never wanted you, never needed you, and never loved you. And sometimes wishes come true in ways you don’t wish for. Sometimes you just get tired…of being alone, being afraid, being sorry, being guilty, of trying so hard and failing so miserably, and of making mistakes with love.
You claim to love me with all your heart, and I believe you with all my heart, but my head tells me differently, and I would be a fool to fight it.
Me.
This is the last time I would put my heart before my head. You see, loving you has made me realize that it’s too easy to let hate be the remedy of every situation. I love you one day, and the next I despise you. I’ve realized that people who love us can still hurt us, and betrayal by them hurts the most. So today, I’m saying that I’m taking charge of my life; your love won’t rule me.
Taking charge isn’t shutting you out, and it isn’t keeping you away, it’s simply taking control of my own heartache, disappointment, and loss.
But before I withdraw my heart from your grasp can I ask you a question?
The love you showed to me, was it my illusion?
You always say it’s all about me, but don’t you see? It’s not about me if you still love her. It’s not about me if I call your heart and love doesn’t answer.
There are so many questions I have to ask—
Who did you love? And who did you truly love? Did you break her heart? Or did she break yours?
You don’t see that you’ve been living two different lives, loving two different girls, telling two multiple lies. You don’t see that your apologies have begun to have a familiar pattern. But I do. See.
Your wounds are deeper than your desires. Your head wants me, but your heart is still healing, and even though I knew this all along, I always thought that maybe, just maybe, love could truly heal all wounds, but you’re not even giving yourself the opportunity to love me in return. You’re so consumed in your self-pity that you don’t see that you are really hurting yourself. Not me. But yourself, and no matter how hard you try, your lies won’t hurt me.
What value is life if it is a lie? The fact that you have chosen to live a lie is enough to tell me that you’re in too deep in your self- pity, but you don’t see, that I’m in too deep in loving you, I’m trying to keep from loving you but I’ve been loving you too long.
I’ve finally realized that I don’t want to hurt me anymore. I realize now, that you have to be alone. You can have me fight for you, but I won’t. I don’t want to fight myself because of you. You love yourself more than me, so often you’ve chosen you over me, and in reality the only thing you’re giving me are promises.
Your deception is a conception of the game of pretence…
You pretend to be fully healed.
It’s too easy to let hate be the remedy for this situation. You, like all the other boys I have loved at a point in my life, fail to see that me, and any other girl that has ever loved you so strongly may detest you even more.
I should have known that if you are for me, no one can take you from me, not even your past.
Emotion is power, and passion makes a fool of us all, however, some of us more than others.
So many times I wish I never met you, never touched you, never wanted you, never needed you, and never loved you. And sometimes wishes come true in ways you don’t wish for. Sometimes you just get tired…of being alone, being afraid, being sorry, being guilty, of trying so hard and failing so miserably, and of making mistakes with love.
You claim to love me with all your heart, and I believe you with all my heart, but my head tells me differently, and I would be a fool to fight it.
Me.
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