#nponpermanentrepeat I Didn’t Know My Own Strength - Whitney Houston + Recover - Natasha Bedingfield
We hurt so gaddamn much, that we should be immune if we are still alive. How are we still alive?
For what its worth, I don’t expect you to be psychic.
Boys always get off saying that they cant read our minds, and know what we are thinking all of the time, especially whenever they ask and you reply saying the old, acceptable line of "I'm fine".
Boys get off saying that girls are difficult, always dramatic, overly dramatic, and looking for reasons to get into an argument. Boys get off saying that we have plenty trouble trailing our behinds, following us, making us seem irrational and inconsistent with our emotions. They find it so easy to blame it on PMS, Ovulation, or any other hormonal occurrences in our body.
So for whatever it might be worth, I really do not expect that you should be omniscient, knowing everything, reading every line on my face. For what its worth, I do not expect you to understand that as a girl, I'm complicated because things hurt me deeper, easier, and I heal slower. That I'm a true love lover.
I don’t expect a perfectly understanding boyfriend, actually I did, but all I got in its stead was a somewhat clueless boyfriend, immune to my tantrums, mood swings, and facial/body language. At first I thought it was cool that he didn’t care much, and didn’t let my overly outraged feminine tactics bother him much, but now I realize that he just didn’t get it.
For what its worth, I'm making a public announcement that I'm done looking for perfection…what does that even mean?
For whatever it might be worth, I want whoever reads this to know that I don’t expect him to be psychic…I just expect you to be sensitive enough to read my emotions.
My love is almost an experiment each time. To see how selfish I can be. To see if I can really carry on to snare a possible lover. To see if I am capable of debasing myself for the love of another. To see if I can stand not being wanted when I want to be wanted. To test my weaknesses and overwork my strengths. To expose myself to hurt each time, and see if I can withstand the pain of my heart breaking, almost each time.
I am a deliberate love addict. Humans are constantly hungry for love and I am proudly human, getting pulled to wherever I find love. Love means to love that which is unlovable, so I constantly test myself, push myself to the limitless walls of love. I constantly find those boys that give excuses, deliberately or otherwise, wound me. I experiment on their excuses.
Each boy a project, each relationship an experiment. My love is almost an experiment each time.
But loving someone is such hard work, constantly striving to please someone and place the person ahead of yourself. But I love love, and everything that it carries with it in its back pocket - jealousy, lust, trust, insecurity, passion, hurt, affection, and the crazy mind blowing sex?. I love love, and love loving love…I must have been down this road a million times(well, not a million times), and each time I let myself get sucked into the drama of it.
My love is almost an experiment each time, but for what its worth (In all honesty and precision), I think its love that's experimenting on me. I don’t know who's doing it, I thought I was but, I was stupid. I was able to be hurt, and that’s not real, not anymore. We should be immune to hurt if we're still alive.
How are we still alive? How are we stir able to love whole-heartedly, each time, after each hurt, after each heartbreak? How are we able to constantly debase ourselves for love, stripping our bodies of all ego and pride…only to have ridicule thrust upon us.
*sigh*
How are we still able to love? How are we still alive?
We Recover? We are not built to break? Don't know our own strengths?
Ok!
