Entries from a 2009 Diary!

19/04/09
It seems so hard but yet remains simple—these emotions I feel are not my equal. I cannot fight it, and I refuse to. Sometimes I try hiding it away, like a child hiding from the dark—but my actions betray: as obvious as trees in a park.

And I cannot fight it, even I refuse to. This love we have means too much to end too soon. This love I feel means too much to be lost too soon, and to lose you too.

But who am I to stand in the way of you and your emotions—I only control mine.
Dede


19/05/09
Really, who am I to stand in the way of you and your inconsistent emotions? In the very end I only control mine, and irrespective of distance, space and time, I have loved you. I have loved.

I have loved so much that I have tried hard, especially on difficult days, tried not to not love you.

And now, barely a month after my heart-wrenching trials, I have lost you. I have lost.

And somewhere within me I know it is the right thing, but the truth is my dear, reason has abandoned me. And I could hate you—so easily, so totally. But I love you, more than I love me.

And even though I have lost you, I do not stop loving you, because in my self-deceived mind, you are coming back to me.
Dede


19/10/09
You are not coming back to me, are you?

Sometimes I wonder that if someone were to give me an opportunity to go back to the past, would I take it?

Sometimes I wonder, was it enough that I loved you incessantly, unconditionally? Was it enough to build us on?

It’s been nearly 6 months, hasn’t it? And you have moved on, haven’t you? But then you never really loved me, or did you? And you never even deserved me, period.

Because I see it now, I think I am finally able to let go of the idea of “us” again. And I am finally able to let go of you. And I have realized, or He made me realize, that love, not time, heals all wounds.
Dede


19/11/09
You see, love heals all wound. I know that this is really none of your business anymore, but I have a constant nagging in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to shout from roof-tops just so that you can know that I have found another. I have found another, but I cannot give him the whole of me, because you have taken a part of me away with you.

And I want to hurt you by telling you, but I know you do not care.
So I will simply enjoy the life that cupid has thrust onto my laps, because I deserve this happiness.
Dede


19/12/09
I deserve this happiness, don’t you see that? It has been almost a year and I simply refuse to end my year with this turmoil that my mind has been in.

Yes—I have said this repeatedly in the past but I can swear that this time, it really is different. I really do care about him, honestly, I do. But is it enough?

I feel like you have taken a vital part of me away—could I have it back?

Because I need it, to fully appreciate him, or myself. I fear I still need you.
And I realize that in an attempt not to control your emotions, I let you control mine!
Dede