Still on that first love

It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, the anticipation of your presence still has this effect on me. You see, the problem isn’t me, and it isn’t the poor unknowing boys who have fallen in love with an already broken-hearted girl. The problem is you.

It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, there are unforgettable memories that I have lingering in a part of my head; memories that I have, and unconsciously use to compare these boys against. You see, the problem isn’t me. I am more than ready to give you up—but my heart won’t let me release you, my body won’t let me forget you—and I have tried to. Believe me when I say that I have tried and tried and tried and tried to erase you from my already complicated life, and yet your presence is ever felt.

It’s not fair that seeing your pictures today brought back an incredible rush of all the emotions I thought I had already overcome. It’s making me crave your voice, your smile, your touch, even your attention. I could pull my hair out trying to describe to anybody who is willing to listen the way I feel about you. I love you. I loved you.
Hopelessly.
Completely.
Unconditionally.
And even though you’ve hurt me, you remain the love of my life. That perfect human that I have placed on a pedestal.

It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, deep down in my mind, I keep waiting on you. It’s like a mind disorientating drug. My own special drug. You are tattooed in my heart, and in my head. You are still a part of everything I do, say, think, and write.

He doesn’t compare to you.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together, I am trapped. Yes, trapped. Because even though I do care about him, it is you that my heart beats faster for. It is you that slow songs make meaning for.

Isn’t it unfair?

I want to know if it will always be like this. I hear love heals all wound—I have had love. I hear time heals all wounds—I have had time, and yet my wounds do not heal.
It’s not fair that even though we are no longer together I still need you. Unbelievable but it’s like an abuse. I need you for survival, like a dose of fresh air when one has been trapped in an airless room for too long. I need you so much that I think even he is starting to see through my lies.