Regrets 20.03,09

All those times I didn’t walk away, when I knew it was best to go, seem to be coming back to haunt me tonight.

Of all nights, does it have to be tonight?

And I sit back, thinking on everything, and finally I see, they were never mistakes…every action had been carefully and diligently planned in my sub-conscious mind, but yet, as usual, tonight again, I shifted the blame to my silently accepting helplessness.

I know I should hold nobody responsible for my actions except myself, I am no stranger to the voices constantly echoing inside of my head, and yet, as usual, tonight again, I ignored them, hoping in vain that they’ll fade away.

I realize that soon enough everything will catch up, because frankly I cannot run from them much longer. And I know, without anybody whispering to me, that when I finally stop long enough to catch my breath, karma is going to sneak up on me. And who would I blame then? Knowing fully that I’m the one responsible for my circumstances, and yet, as usual, tonight again, I fight myself, I truly fight myself.

You have been everything you have said you would be, and yet I hold you responsible for what I do to me. It’s so easy to fall into that same old routine. I call it a mistake, you call it, unfortunate. So as usual, tonight again, I ask for permission to take advantage of your love, to use you because you always understand.

I realize that you may not always be there, here, and I know that a time will come when I will cry, and cry, begging you not to leave me, that this will be the last time, all the while knowing fully well that the last time will be a next time, and the next time will be a last time…till the last time doesn’t come. Because “the last time” doesn’t exist for me.

And yet, even as I type this, I realize that it really isn’t my entire fault. It is possible to lie, but I have chosen to always say the truth, no matter how aggressive or unfaithful it may be. Because I realize I’d rather live without you honestly, than live a lie in your love. And for that alone, I deserve your sympathy, once again, I ask for understanding, because I do love you.
And I do love you…hopelessly…completely…faithfully. And yet, as usual, tonight again, I try to convince no one else but myself, that I never meant to hurt you. Once, I called it a mistake, but now, I call it foolishness.

And I ask you to please still love me. I feel no shame in begging for your undying love, because I still, always will, love you…hopelessly…completely…faithfully.